


Can't Escape

by shineebigbang



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Kibum-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Science Fiction, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 04:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11936565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shineebigbang/pseuds/shineebigbang





	Can't Escape

 

PART I: THE PAST AND THE PRESENT

***

Everything starts as normal. He’s in his apartment, still lying on the side of the bed where he fell asleep last night. He opens his eyes slowly; watches specks of dust fall gently through the rays of morning light streaming in through the bedroom window. 

Then, from one moment to the other, the atmosphere changes completely. There’s something that’s making him nervous, something about the air that is different that he can’t quite put a finger on, and then he swears he hears heavy boots coming towards him through the hallway, and he  _ knows _ .

He knows they’re coming. They’re coming to get him again. How could he ever have thought that they couldn’t reach him here anymore? That they couldn’t watch his every move? His thoughts are frantic and he knows, he knows he has to do something, has to move, to get away, but all he can do is watch. Watch them come and rip him away; drag him to the place that he tries to forget so badly.  

And then suddenly he’s truly awake, gasping desperately for air, and everything around him is dark, he can’t see a thing, where is he? He can’t figure out what’s going on, the threat of his nightmare still seeming to lurk around the corners of the room, and he’s so disoriented that in his panic he falls from his bed to the floor, landing with a crash that’s apparently very loud because seconds later someone is throwing the door open, letting light fall in from outside and coming to sit beside him. 

He looks up, and at first, he doesn’t recognize the person sitting next to him on the cold wooden floor. His face doesn’t belong to the people in his nightmare, and he’s not someone from the past, but very much from the present. It’s Jonghyun, looking at him with a worried expression, pulling him into his arms and whispering words of consolation to calm him down - “You’re okay. They won’t find you. I’m here. Breathe, please”. 

Slowly, he regains his sense of orientation, having Jonghyun there to keep him in the safety of the present, trying to push his nightmare to the back of his mind and hoping it won’t come back the next night. Exhausted, he curls up in Jonghyun’s embrace and takes a look at the watch on the counter that he must have missed during his panic earlier.

It’s the middle of the night, and Kibum knows he won’t be able to sleep again.

***

It’s 9 in the morning, and Kibum is in a great mood after a good night’s sleep. He’s on his way to work, having to cover lunch shifts this week, and he’s excited to see Taemin and Minho again. It’s not often that all three of them work the same shifts, especially when Taemin has school. 

But now, summer break has started and since they don’t have plans to go to the countryside or to one of the East Side’s allied countries for vacation, they’ll be seeing a lot of each other in the coming weeks. 

He passes by a few houses plastered with posters, the usual advertisements for the upcoming elections. Why even bother putting those up, he thinks to himself – it’s not like there is much of a choice to make. With one single political party, only the members that sit in the parliament will change after the votes are cast. And even those elections will probably be rigged so that everything will turn out the way the party leaders have planned it. He sighs and continues on, finally arriving at the diner he works at.

Taemin immediately perks up and waves when Kibum enters the kitchen through the back entrance. “There you are!”, he says excitedly, before adding in a whisper: “The breakfast staff was already getting grumpy even though you’re not even late”.

Kibum just rolls his eyes and grabs his apron from one of the hooks next to the door. “They’ll survive”, he says and greets the other cooks. Minho comes in shortly afterwards, and he and Taemin join the other waiters who are moving out to take orders, while Kibum gets busy with preparing the food that they will serve.

As usual, they hang out in the little alley behind the diner after their shift is over. They talk about this and that, from funny stories about the customers at work to their plans for the summer, and eventually Kibum looks around to check if anyone is nearby, before they start talking about politics. As quiet as possible, of course, since they are in a public space and don’t exactly want to get arrested.

“Jinki wrote another letter”, Kibum tells his friends. “He says that the West Side are getting more and more refugees from the East – still not as many as before the wall was built, but the numbers are definitely picking up again.” 

Of course it is much riskier to flee into the West now, with the heavily guarded borders, the armed forces and, most importantly, the wall separating the two countries and essentially all of their allies from each other. But at the same time, people in the East seem to grow more desperate as the economy has started to crumble in the past few years and the government has become even more restrictive.

Then, while they are still discussing the effects that this development could have on their country, Minho spots a patrolling guard coming down the street, so they start talking about going to get ice cream instead. And they walk down the cobblestone streets in the hot afternoon sun, arms slung around each other as they make their way to the ice cream parlor. Minho has one of his big warm smiles on his face while Kibum is making fun of Taemin’s favorite flavors, and for the rest of the day, they forget about what is happening around them and decide to put their worries away – it is summer, after all.

***

That warm, happy summer day seems so far away now – and it is true, it has been years since then – but Minho’s smile is still as warm as ever as he greets Kibum with a hug.

“How have you been?”, he asks after they sit down in one of the booths of the café where they decided to meet up. Only then, Kibum sees his smile falter just a little bit, as if Minho realized that this might not be a question that is easy to answer these days, and he’s pulled back into the reality of the present. 

“I didn’t sleep that well”, he mumbles and adds, “I hope I don’t look too much like a zombie”. He laughs nervously at his own comment and glances around the room. He can’t shake the feeling that someone is keeping an eye on him. Then again, this is how he has felt since he left his apartment earlier, so it’s probably still an effect from his nightmare, but he can’t really convince himself of it.

Minho is frowning at him when his eyes finally land on him again. “Kibum…”, he starts saying, but then seems to change his mind on what he wants to tell him. “You should try this cake”, he says instead, pointing with his fork to the slice on Kibum’s plate. 

Kibum manages an uneasy smile and starts picking up a piece with his own fork. He doesn’t really feel like eating right now, with all the noise that is going on in the background and all these people around him, watching him closely – it’s almost as if they are all coming closer and closer, crowding him and making it impossible to breathe and –

Suddenly there’s a loud  _ bang! _ , like someone had slammed a door shut, and Kibum flinches so hard that his plate falls from the edge of the table, narrowly missing his clothes and landing with another loud noise on the floor. Minho is next to him in an instant and Kibum hides his face behind his hands, trying to get himself back under control. He nearly starts crying right there and then – today is definitely not a good day. Finally, he manages to look up at Minho. “Can we please go somewhere else?”, he gets out.

Somehow, they make it to Minho’s and Jinki’s apartment, which is closer than Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s. Kibum calms down significantly once they are safely inside, but Minho still has a concerned look on his face and goes to get him a glass of water.

“Where is Jinki?”, Kibum asks from where he is sitting on the living room couch. “He’s at work as usual”, Minho answers and sits down next to him.  _ Fuck _ , Kibum thinks, because he should have known the answer - Jinki is always working during the week - but his mind seems to be a total mess today. He sighs and takes a sip of water.

“I’m sorry that you’re not feeling well today”, Minho says after a while. “It’s not your fault”, Kibum responds, resting his tired head on his friend’s shoulder. There’s a moment of silence after this, while they both try not to think about the person who’s fault it really is.

_ Taemin _ .

***

Taemin is lounging on his bed and listening to a record on his walkman while Minho is playing with Adam and Eve on the floor when Kibum comes in. “Hey there”, his friend greets him with a lazy wave of his hand, removing his earphones with the other one. “Sorry, I totally didn’t hear the doorbell – “

“It’s fine, your mom let me in”, Kibum interrupts him and sits down next to Minho to pet Taemin’s cute little dogs.

“So, what was the important thing that you couldn’t tell us about earlier?”, Taemin asks, curiosity written on his face as he sits up to face his friends. 

Kibum looks up at him. “Okay, so this is really something that has to stay between the three of us, alright? We all must keep this a secret; can you promise me that?” 

Minho and Taemin exchange a look; this must be more serious than they thought it would be. “Of course we promise”, they both assure him. “Now what is it?”

At that, Kibum pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his jeans pocket. “Jinki wrote again. As usual, I deciphered the code that we know he uses to hide messages, and here’s what he actually wanted to tell us: Apparently he has been working for a refugee organization for a month or two now, where he helps the people coming from the East to build their new life on the West Side.”

He looks up to see both of his friends wearing the same surprised expression. “Yeah, I didn’t know about this either - but that’s not all: through his work he also got in contact with some folks at the border and he says he can get us through an escape tunnel within a month after we answer him! Guys, do you hear this: We can finally live freely if we take this chance!”

Kibum is so excited about these news that he nearly stumbles over his words at the last part. He is met with stunned silence for a moment, until Minho speaks up. “Is this… is this for real?” He has tears in his eyes, his expression full of disbelief, but also of hope. 

“It is going to be very risky, but yes, it is real. We can make this happen – we will be able to find your family”, Kibum tells him confidently and wraps his arms around him. He can tell that Minho is trying not to start sobbing into Kibum’s shoulder, but he would understand it completely if he did.

Minho’s father and older brother got separated from his mother and him by accident on the day when they started building the wall, and after that day, they wouldn’t let anyone back in or out. Of course, Minho was so small at the time that he now doesn’t recall ever having lived together with all of his family, without the border dividing them, but through the stories of his mother it is like he knows what it was like before. 

His little group of friends have often talked about escaping to the West themselves, each time that Jinki wrote about people fleeing the country, but they never really knew how, and they always decided it was maybe not worth the risk after all. But if there is really a chance to succeed now, then they would be willing to sacrifice whatever it takes – at least that’s what Kibum thinks.

He looks up at Taemin, who has been unusually quiet and is worrying his lips between his teeth. “What’s wrong?”, he asks quietly, which makes Minho turn around as well. “It’s just…”, Taemin is looking down at his hands that are moving nervously, “I… how secure is this connection of Jinki’s? And how many people will he take, anyways?”

Kibum takes a deep breath. This is the question that he has feared to be asked. “To be honest, Jinki says this guy can only bring a small number of people every time he does it, and he only does it once a month. So it would be around three or four spots in his group that he is allowing Jinki to claim for us. And, I can’t say for sure how safe this connection truly is, but I think – I hope - that we can trust Jinki’s judgement–“

“Alright, I do believe you”, Taemin interrupts, “but I … I just don’t think I can do this …” He looks at them with pain in his eyes. 

“Please hear me out, okay? I know that you, Kibum, have nothing left here in this godforsaken country that is desirable for you, except for us; and I know that on the other side the last part of your family will be waiting for you. And Minho, of course, I know how long you have wished to see your father and your brother again, even if you may have to leave your mother behind, because she isn’t strong enough to do this.

But as much as I hate living here and as much as I hate what they have done to my parents, I will never get them to agree to come with me, or to follow me after I’m gone. I would put them in so much danger, now that they have finally rebuilt their lives here …” His frustration is apparent as he continues. “I can’t be separated from them … as much as I sometimes get annoyed by them and as much as I whine about them, they’re still family.” 

Finally, he stops talking and just sits there, waiting anxiously for his friends’ reaction, Adam and Eve sensing his miserable state and hopping onto the bed to comfort him. Kibum’s thoughts wander, from the fact that Taemin would have to leave those two puppies behind as well, to how much he just told them about his feelings, which he usually doesn’t like to talk about much, and then, then it registers with him that this means they will probably never see Taemin again.

In no time, he’s up on the bed and hugging his best friend, and Minho comes up to join them quickly. “I understand”, Kibum whispers in Taemin’s ear. “But we will miss you so, so much”.

***

Now, Kibum muses, he only misses the illusion that was their friendship. Should he have known what Taemin would do? But how could he, when everything he believed he knew about his friend had been a lie?

Of course there had at least been some truth to it, for example what had happened to Taemin’s parents. Both of them had been artists, his mother a dancer, his father a writer, and they had worked together on self-written performances that didn’t fit into the categories of art that the government allowed to be shown to his citizens. They were too free and too eccentric in their movements, the poetry that accompanied the pieces wasn’t like traditional poetry at all, and the worst part about it was that the audience had to interpret the performances by themselves – they had to make up their own mind about it instead of being told what to think about it by the authorities.

So, naturally, the government forbade them from practicing their occupation altogether, and they had to find new jobs, where they sat in an office all day and handled numbers and statistics instead of words and choreographies.

From that day on, Taemin hated the East Side with a passion. Not only had they destroyed his parents’ dreams, but also his own. His father told him that he could never become an artist like them, they didn’t want their child to go through the same pain that they did. Taemin, who had always looked up to his parents as his role models for his future, was devastated.

So yes, Kibum had understood Taemin’s struggle back then, stuck between wanting to turn his back on the country that had ruined his family, and not wanting to leave behind the people that had suffered for him to survive there.

At least that was the version of the story that Kibum had known back then. Now, he knows the entire truth, which is that – “Earth to Kibum!”, someone says and taps him lightly on the shoulder. 

Kibum flinches just a little bit before he realizes it’s Jonghyun, who is handing him a cup of tea. “Thank you”, he says and stares into the steam for a bit. He must have spaced out for a while, so much that he forgot they were in their apartment together. This has happened a lot lately, even more so after that bad day of his when he met up with Minho a week ago. 

“What were you thinking about?”, Jonghyun says and sets his own tea down on the couch table. “Nothing”, Kibum says out of reflex. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Jonghyun looking at him for a moment until he seems to decide on what to say.

“I know it’s not nothing”, he says gently, as he always tries to be. “Please tell me what has been bothering you”, he continues.

Kibum hesitates, just a bit. It’s hard to talk to someone about his past who wasn’t actually there with him, even if it’s Jonghyun. His boyfriend has shown again and again that Kibum can trust him, and he has stayed by his side no matter how bad Kibum was feeling, but still … he doesn’t understand everything, not like Minho does. Jonghyun keeps asking about Kibum’s past a lot, though, because he wants to make an effort and help him as best as he can when his nightmares catch up to him. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about Taemin, again”, Kibum admits, still staring into his cup of tea. Jonghyun sighs and puts an arm around him to comfort him. “It’s totally okay for you to think about him”, he reassures him. “After what he did to you, it’s only natural that you can’t forget about it. But I’m sure that with time, it’ll get easier.” 

Kibum nods, but he feels tears coming up and bites his lip trying not to let them loose. Why does he always have to get so emotional, he thinks angrily and rubs his eyes. Jonghyun just tugs him closer and Kibum leans in, and for a while, it helps.

But no matter how hard he tries, it doesn’t make the memories go away.

***

A month has already passed since Kibum first told his friends about Jinki’s plan. The glorious time of summer that they all spent together is over, and fall has long set in. Even Kibum’s birthday has come and gone without much of a fuss because they had been so occupied with planning their escape.

But today, finally, all their planning will become a reality. Today they are supposed to meet Jinki’s acquaintance at a certain building along the border wall, and he will lead them underground to make their way across to the West.

It’s convenient that they already live in the capital city, which is directly at the border, Kibum thinks as he hurries through the shadows to where he is supposed to meet Minho. At the same time, security here is much tighter as it would be on the countryside, especially now after curfew, and he has to avoid a couple of guards who are patrolling the streets to get to the meeting point. 

Minho is already there when he arrives, and they start walking down to the wall together. They only have the absolute minimum of supplies and clothes in their backpacks, leaving everything else in their apartments untouched so that nothing will look suspicious at first glance.

They’ve said their goodbyes over the last couple of days, first to Minho’s mother, who was too frail to go with them, but wished them all the best. At first, Minho was worried about what would happen to her and nearly decided against leaving her, but she insisted that he should take the chance so that at least one of them could reunite with the rest of the family. Her friends would take good care of her, she said, while Minho promised to find a way to contact her once he was safe. 

And then they had to say goodbye to Taemin, their best friend since they had been in kindergarten. It was the hardest thing that Kibum had ever done, he thinks. They, too, promised to contact each other somehow, although they agreed to be careful since Taemin’s family might be kept under closer surveillance for a while after two of his friends would disappear.

Of course, they didn’t tell anybody else about their plans, in fear of getting discovered. So now they are just hoping for the best, walking in the darkness of the night as silently as possible, until the border wall looms in front of them. From here, they are supposed to go into the building across the street and reveal themselves to their helpers with a special code that Jinki sent them earlier. 

Just as they prepare to run over there, a police truck comes around the corner, its bright headlights almost reaching the two big garbage containers that Minho and Kibum are using as their hiding spot. Kibum shoots Minho a panicked look – this wasn’t supposed to happen, the guards don’t usually drive along this route. They must have changed their schedule. Minho just raises a finger to his mouth and they keep quiet while a few guards exit the truck to take a look around. 

“Nothing here”, one of them says after a while and Kibum exhales a breath that he hadn’t even realized that he was holding in. They are so lucky that the guards didn’t search the area more thoroughly – and Kibum doesn’t even want to think about what would happen if they were discovered now. 

The truck starts up again and hasn’t even fully disappeared from view when Minho is suddenly tugging at Kibum’s sleeve to get his attention. “We’re late”, he whispers hectically, and Kibum realizes that he’s right. 

Jinki’s friend only gave them a small time window in which they would operate – if they don’t make it there soon, he’ll already be gone when they get there.

“On the count of three, let’s run”, Minho says, and on the count of three, he leaps from his crouched position and into the open street. Kibum is just a second too slow, and in that time a lot of things happen at the same time. 

The truck, still visible a couple of blocks away, suddenly screeches to a halt. “Stop!”, an officer shouts and runs into their direction – they must have seen Minho in the back mirror when he was out there under the lights of the streetlamps, Kibum manages to think while he panics, having retreated as fast as he can back behind the garbage container. Minho meanwhile has made it inside the building before the guards had a chance of opening fire on him. 

Kibum presses a hand on his mouth, trying to make no sounds and praying that at least Minho was still on time. He curses himself for being so slow, if he had only kept up with his friend he would have reached the building as well, but he had been so confused and panicked that his reaction just hadn’t been fast enough.

The guards storm into the building now, while a few others stay outside to keep an eye on the area. Kibum watches them for a while, until they seem to receive a message through their communication devices that makes them all turn into the direction of the building. And while they start heading in one after the other, Kibum slowly turns around a corner as quietly as possible, and plans to carefully make it home the same way, when there’s a loud  _ bang!  _ which seems to come from somewhere in the no-man’s-land that is the border, and Kibum turns on his heels and runs as fast as he can.

***

Kibum has decided to show up to work today. Actually, it’s not really working as much as trying to help by volunteering, but he just wants to feel useful today. He does get a little bit of money as compensation for his volunteer work every time he does it, which is also nice because right now he is only living on the government’s support fund for refugees, and relies on Jonghyun for pretty much everything that it doesn’t cover. Although if he is truly honest with himself, he mainly came in today because he couldn’t stand sitting around alone at home anymore, while both his cousin and his boyfriend are here.

Here, in this case, is a large camp near the border where refugees are being registered as citizens of the West, and get food as well as a roof over their heads before the government finds homes for them to permanently live in.

First Jonghyun, then Minho and after that Kibum have all lived in this camp before. Only Jinki hasn’t, of course, but he has worked here, first as a volunteer where he met the people that would later end up getting Minho across the border, and now it is his fulltime job to help these people integrate into the society of the West. Meanwhile, Jonghyun earned his degree as a social worker once he was in the West, and now he tries to help people in the camp that struggle mentally with the readjustment of living here.

Kibum signs in at the front office and gets told to work at the food tent today, so he heads there to help with the preparing of warm stew and handing bowls of the meal out into waiting hands. He likes it when he’s assigned there, because it feels so familiar from a time long ago when he still was a cook at the diner. Sometimes he wishes he could work full-time at a restaurant again, but then he remembers that on some days every little noise or anything he sees will make him relive unwanted memories, and he realizes that it probably wouldn’t be a very good idea.

Right then, while he is busy filling bowls, a commotion at the tables where everyone is eating interrupts his thoughts. It’s a middle-aged man who seems to have tripped on the way to his seat, causing his tray of food to fall to the ground, spilling hot stew everywhere. The man is still on the ground, his hands raised above his head to try to protect himself from a threat that isn’t there. “No, no, please!”, he wails loudly. “I didn’t mean to do this, please don’t hurt them, please don’t, please!” The people around him are trying to clean up the mess, while others start approaching the man, probably wanting to help him calm down. But trying to get near him or even touch him only seems to set him off, and he starts lashing out at everyone who gets too close to him. 

Someone must have alerted the authorities because a few moments later, a couple of social workers come in and do their best to help the man. Kibum can’t stop staring at him, and he can’t stop thinking about what they might have done to him to make him react like this, until Jinki is suddenly standing right in front of him. “Are you okay?”, his older cousin asks. “Shit”, Kibum says loudly when he realizes that he’s just been standing there and not serving the food and –

“You’re shaking”, Jinki says concerned, and then sighs. “Why do you insist on coming here to help others if you won’t even get help yourself …”

“What do you mean?”, Kibum asks confused. “You and Minho and Jonghyun – you’re all helping me.”

“Yes, we are”, Jinki says. “ But it might also be good to talk to a professional about what you’ve experienced and – anyways”, he continues when he sees Kibum’s closed-off expression. “That is a topic for another day, I guess … and it wasn’t why I came to talk to you in the first place.”

Kibum is glad for the change in topic – in theory, he knows he should look for professional help, but every time he thinks about sitting in a strange office, telling his whole story to a person he doesn’t even know and he’s not sure he can trust, he gets sick to his stomach.

“What is it then?”, he asks, and Jinki takes him by his hand and leads him outside. He makes sure that nobody else is listening - which makes Kibum anxious, because why does Jinki care so much if someone will hear them here – and then starts speaking.

“Listen, I know you’re probably already not in the best state of mind right now, but this is about Jonghyun, okay?”

“What about him?”

Jinki hesitates for a moment. “Okay, so the thing is, please don’t be alarmed, but today, the cops came to arrest Minseok from the Public Relations department. They had discovered suspicious activity in his bank account and they found out he was paid by the East Side to get information on what we are doing here and-“

He interrupts himself as he sees his cousin’s panicked expression. Kibum’s heart is pounding and there’s something like a static noise in his ear that he can’t shake off. If there was a spy in this place, then who can say for sure that the East hasn’t planted more here? And what exactly has he reported – what do they know about the people here, what do they know about him and his friends? 

“Kibum”, Jinki says and squeezes his hand. “We are handling the situation, and we’re being extra-cautious right now but you don’t have to worry about it, okay? We have it under control.” Jinki’s voice is so firm and convincing that Kibum can’t help but nod. “I’m also telling you this mostly because I’m a bit worried about how Jonghyun might be feeling right now”, Jinki continues. “I saw him talking to Minseok a couple of times, and they seemed to get along very well, so I thought he might be very devastated about what happened. Please just make sure that he’s okay, yeah?”

He looks at Kibum expectantly, and the younger feels himself nod again. “Okay – yeah, I’ll do that.”

“Thank you”, Jinki says and pats Kibum on the shoulder. “Now let’s get back to work”.

***

It’s the day after his failed escape attempt. Kibum is on his way to work at the diner like on any ordinary day - except that this is anything but ordinary. But even though he feels terrible and barely got any sleep at all last night, he has to pretend nothing happened so that nobody gets suspicious. 

After he miraculously had made it back home without getting caught last night, he lay awake for hours worrying about Minho. That loud noise had sounded an awful lot like an explosion, and what if Minho had gotten hurt? Or what if the guards had caught him in the tunnel? 

And when he hadn’t been worrying about his friend’s life, he’d been wondering about what he should do now. Would there ever be another chance for him to escape? Or would he be stuck in this country forever? And how was he supposed to explain what happened to Taemin when he couldn’t tell him for sure that Minho had made it?

At the moment, Kibum feels mostly hopeless when he thinks about the future. He has worked so much towards his goal of escaping his life here that now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

For now, he’s just going to go to work, and maybe afterwards he’ll be able to think more clearly and figure something out together with Taemin.

With that in mind, he turns the corner to the diner. There’s a delivery truck parked near the back entrance. That’s weird, Kibum thinks, normally there are no deliveries on Wednesdays. And then, everything happens way too quickly: as soon as he’s next to the truck, someone throws open the door, grabs Kibum in a chokehold and presses a big, sweaty hand stenched with the smell of cigarettes on his mouth that nearly makes him gag. 

He tries to resist, to free himself, but a different person, a cap on their head so that he can’t make out any of their features, is in front of him and fastens handcuffs around his wrists. Seconds later, he’s already being thrown into the back of the truck, the door getting shut with a loud noise that leaves him engulfed in complete darkness. 

Kibum’s breath comes ragged, he coughs and gags and spits out the cigarette-taste the other man’s hand left on his lips. Abruptly, the car lurches forward, and Kibum, who has no balance after being handcuffed, gets flung against one of the walls and falls down hard onto his side. He feels dizzy and numb from the impact, but tries to get back onto his knees anyways. 

The car is still moving way too fast, making it almost impossible for Kibum to stay balanced, but he manages to crawl until he comes across another wall in the darkness. He tries pushing against it with his two tied hands, but it seems to be made of a hard material instead of an elastic one. He kicks it anyways, hoping against better knowledge that it will give way. The truck skids to a halt, either because of a stop light or because they have arrived at their destination, but whatever it is, Kibum starts pounding on the wall and screams for help.

The car starts moving again.  _ Fuck _ . What is he going to do? Where are they bringing him? He tries to follow the car’s movement down the streets, but they keep turning corners and at one point he could swear they turn around and drive back where they came from until making another turn to somewhere entirely else.

At this point, Kibum is severely disoriented. Are they trying to mess with him? Or is he going crazy in the complete darkness here and simply can’t follow the movements correctly? He gives up and concentrates on not getting hurt too much. He already feels like he has a concussion from being thrown around the car the whole time. He curls up into a fetal position and decides to wait.

Finally, the car stops again very abruptly, and stays still for a long time. Kibum tries to hear what is going on outside, but can’t really make out anything through the pounding headache he has developed. He tries to stand up after a while, but before he knows it he’s vomiting all over the floor in front of him. Moments later, while he is still trying to recover from that, the door gets opened and all he can see is blindingly white. He blinks and blinks and blinks, but the lights are way too bright. 

“Great, he made a mess”, someone says angrily. “Come on out already!”, he shouts after Kibum doesn’t react, still trying to get used to the light after being in the car for so long. “We don’t have all day”, the man says, even more annoyed now. 

Kibum flinches and starts moving, around his vomit, and up to the open door, where he finally is able to see two men clad in black clothes and caps, one of them the one who handcuffed him, the other one, judging from his build, is the guy with the cigarette hands. Kibum stumbles down from the truck and they take him by his elbows immediately, leading him to a small staircase in the corner of the room. They must be in some kind of garage, Kibum figures, but that’s all he can tell before he gets shoved up the stairs and into a clinical yellow hallway. 

The ceiling is lined with white neon lights that produce a low buzzing sound and make Kibum’s head hurt even more, and the walls on either side are interrupted every few steps by metal doors with no windows. “Coming through, coming through”, the man on his right speaks into some kind of walkie-talkie, and gets a response back that Kibum can’t make out.

“Where am I?”, he tries to ask, but gets cut off by one of the men. “No questions, young man”. They stop and he unlocks one of the metal doors in that never-ending hallway with one of many keys that are dangling from his belt. “Now get in there”, he says and shoves him into the small cell. 

The door falls shut, and Kibum is alone.

***

It’s one of those nights where neon lights and cold hallways haunt his dreams. He wakes up feeling as lost and confused as he did back then when they first brought him to his cell. He rolls onto his side slowly, stretching his limbs with a groan and feeling all the tension inside his body leaving bit by bit as he starts to remember where he is.

He’s home, and he is safe. He’s living in the West, like he always wanted to. That is not a dream. They can’t take that away from him anymore, that’s one of the only things that he is sure about. Even if one day the East would invade and make everyone follow their rules again, at least he would have lived freely for a while. Minho always reminds him of that whenever Kibum gets a panic attack, believing that they will come and get him again any moment. And of course, he always adds that something like that could never happen anyways; the East is only good at isolating themselves, not at expanding. Minho’s always been an optimist, but even though Kibum has a hard time thinking the same way, he finds comfort in his words.

Kibum smiles as he thinks about his friend, and turns to the other side of the bed to see if Jonghyun is awake, now that he is feeling a little bit better. Surprisingly, the rest of the bed is empty. Kibum spends a moment wondering if his memory of Jonghyun falling asleep beside him last night is correct. Sometimes, when one of them doesn’t feel like it, they decide to sleep in separate rooms. But then he sees the blanket that his boyfriend uses, all rumpled and vaguely human-shaped, so he figures he must have slept there at some point.

He squints up at the alarm clock, which is telling him that it is three in the morning. Of course he can’t have at least one night where he just sleeps through. He sighs and sits up, running a hand through his hair. Maybe Jonghyun had a nightmare, as well … he doesn’t have them as frequently as Kibum, but he has trouble falling asleep sometimes. And after that thing with Minseok happened, Kibum wouldn’t be surprised if Jonghyun is more affected by his insomnia than normally.

After overcoming his own initial shock from hearing about an Eastern spy infiltrating the refugees camp, Kibum had tried to talk to Jonghyun about it that evening, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. He admitted that he had seen Minseok as a friend, and that he felt very hurt when he found out the truth about him. But he told Kibum he just needed some time for himself, and now, a few days later, he is still very closed-off and distant.

So, Kibum decides to check up on him. He slips out of the bed, making his way towards the kitchen when he doesn’t see Jonghyun in the living room. Just a few steps from the entrance, he hears his boyfriend’s voice and stops in his tracks. He seems to be on the phone with someone, which would explain why he is in the kitchen where their only phone sits on the counter. 

“I know, I know. I’m taking care of it. Yes, I did …”, he hears him saying in a low voice. He probably doesn’t want Kibum to wake up and get worried, that must be why he’s speaking so quietly. “I know I shouldn’t call from here, it’s just that I really needed an update on the situation. Yeah, I understand that now, of course you don’t have much news on what I should do, I was just wondering … okay, yes. I’ll do that.” 

There’s another silence while he seems to listen to something the person on the other side of the line is saying. Kibum frowns, trying to make sense of what he is talking about and why he is calling someone in the middle of the night. Then, he hears Jonghyun saying his goodbye and hanging up the phone. His tired feet start moving again, and he shuffles into the kitchen. Jonghyun is standing with his back to him, leaning against the counter. 

“Was this about Minseok?”, Kibum asks and Jonghyun nearly jumps out of his own skin. He turns around with a confusingly enough somewhat alarmed expression. “Um … yeah, I just … I couldn’t sleep so I called a friend about it … I’m sorry …”

“No, it’s fine, I get that you didn’t want to wake me up to talk about it”, Kibum says quickly when he notices how distressed Jonghyun sounds. “I just wanted to check up on you. Do you feel a little better now?”

Jonghyun nods. “I’m just … I’m having a hard time right now and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to work and Minseok is not going to be there anymore because he wasn’t actually the person he pretended to be? I still can’t really believe it …”

So that must be what he was talking about earlier, he needed advice on how he should deal with everything at work … Kibum has to admit he wishes Jonghyun had just talked to him about it, but he’s too tired to be really upset about it.

“I’m sorry”, Jonghyun says again. “It’s okay … I know it’s not easy for you right now”, Kibum says and wishes he was better at comforting others. “But you need your sleep, alright? Let’s talk about it tomorrow, hm?”

He stifles a yawn, and rubs his eyes, and Jonghyun seems to relax a bit, smiling at his tired boyfriend.

“You’re right. Let’s go back to sleep.”

***

It’s cold, and there’s a constant draft coming through the cracks in the corners of the walls. He doesn’t know what time it is and how long it has been since he was thrown into this cell. There are no windows, the only light coming from a single lamp on the ceiling which doesn’t seem to have an off-switch anywhere in the room. There is no furniture either, the whole room bare except for a sink and a toilet, which looks very unsanitary. So far, Kibum has spent his time curled up in a corner of the room, shivering even though he has a light jacket and long pants. His head is still pounding and every single bone in his body seems to protest his injuries.

He can still taste the vomit in his mouth that he threw up earlier, being too exhausted to stand up and rinse his mouth at the sink. All his energy is spent on staying conscious and figuring out what to make of the situation.

He still doesn’t know who those people are that kidnapped him, but with the amount of resources that they seem to have, and judging from what he saw of the building that they brought him to, it must be the government. He has never heard or seen anything about this location before, but it is definitely some kind of special jail. 

But why would they go so far as to kidnap him right in front of his workplace, instead of just questioning him like the guards would usually do? What has he done to justify this? Of course, he was at the place of the escape tunnel yesterday – or was it two days ago? – but they don’t know that, and that doesn’t prove anything, anyways. 

All he knows for sure is that he won’t be able to fight whatever they are planning to do with him. It’s not like he could hire a lawyer - if it’s a case against the government, they always win, because they are always in the right.

Eventually, Kibum’s head hurts too much to think about it any further and he decides to just wait. For what he is waiting, he isn’t sure, but he has to keep his eyes open for it. 

Kibum’s stomach has started growling for a while, when he finally hears heavy steps approaching and actually stopping in front of his door.

A key is turned in the lock and seconds later a man steps in. He looks much more like a guard than the guys who took him here hours ago, since he is wearing a uniform. But his clothing does look different from what the police on the street usually wear. His uniform is of a pale blue instead of the normal beige, and he has different symbols stitched onto his chest. Still, he is without doubt an East Side Officer, his cap proudly displaying the country’s and the Party’s shared flag.

“Come with”, he orders curtly, and grabs Kibum by the elbow when he isn’t on his feet fast enough. Kibum  sways a bit, before he finds a bit of balance to stay upright. He’s still in handcuffs, and there’s not really anything else to do but to follow the guard when he drags him behind him roughly by his arm.

They are back in the hallway with the white neon lights, but this time they go further inside the building instead of turning towards where the others brought him in through the garage. They pass doors after doors, but he doesn’t see a single soul in the whole building besides the guard and himself. After a while, they reach a staircase and make their way up to another level. The halls look exactly the same, except for the first two rooms that have wooden doors with actual windows in them and, judging from the distance to the next cell, must be much bigger, too.

The guard opens the wooden door on the right and shoves Kibum so that he stands beside him in the entrance. Inside, it almost looks like a classroom, with wooden desks and plastic chairs and a closet in one of the corners. There are even windows which aren’t showing much besides some kind of courtyard and more grey buildings. At least now he knows that it must be late afternoon, although he still can’t figure out where he is and if he’s even still in the capital. And behind what would be the teacher’s desk sits a middle-aged man with sharp features, his uniform showing his superior status.  “Sir, he’s here”, the guard reports and salutes quickly when the superior officer looks up. The other only nods shortly, and the guard bows before retreating, closing the door behind him and leaving Kibum alone with the officer.

Kibum just stands there for a while, unsure what to do when the officer doesn’t acknowledge him any further and instead just shuffles and reads through some paperwork on his desk.

After what feels like an eternity, the government agent looks up a second time. “Sit down!”, he orders harshly, and Kibum follows, taking his place in the chair on the other side of the officer’s desk.

“Now”, he says and sets some papers aside. “Name?”

“Uh … um … Kim Kibum”, Kibum stutters, perplexed by the sudden question. The officer scribbles something down. He proceeds to fire short asks towards him, about his birth date and city of birth and current address and workplace address. Kibum is sure that he already knows all these things about him, but he doesn’t question it.

After a while, the officer looks him straight in the eye.

“Now”, he says again. “You’re not the most important person here. Be glad that we got to you this fast, your wait time could have been much longer.”

“I don’t even know why I’m here, so –“, Kibum is brave enough to mumble under his breath. 

“What was that?”, the agent says in a dangerous voice. “You only speak when I allow you to do so, is that clear? Did you learn no respect when you grew up?” He shakes his head disapprovingly and scribbles something else down. “As we are on the topic of growing up, I will ask you a few more questions. Your parents died in a car accident five years ago. Is that correct?” 

The sudden change in topic makes Kibum’s head dizzy, and he swallows drily. “Yes”, he answers. He hadn’t realized that it has already been five years since that day, when his parents took a weekend trip to the countryside and never came back. 

“And you have lived alone since?” “Yes”, he says again. The officer proceeds to ask him more about his education, his college degree in nutrition and cooking, and Kibum is glad that he isn’t talking more about his family, until –

“So you have a cousin who lives with the enemy?”, the agent asks. “Yes, he lives in the West”, Kibum admits, because they seem to know everything about him, anyways. There’s no denying his family relations that they can easily look up in their database. 

“Are you in contact with him?”

Now that is somewhat harder to answer. The government knows that they write each other, since they control and keep track of every piece of mail that enters the country, but they don’t know what messages are hidden in their letters, right?

“He writes letters, sometimes”, Kibum says. “To tell me how he is doing.”

The agent frowns at him. “Then he must have told you that he even works for the enemy?” 

“Um … I’m not sure what you mean”, Kibum says, although he knows exactly what the other is talking about. 

“I think you know very well what I mean. And if he ever shared plans that go against the East Side with you, it would be your responsibility to your country to report this now”, the officer remarks. “This could help your case, Mr Kim, and you would finally serve your country as well. So do you have anything to tell me about the plans of the West?”

So this is what they are after? Insider information about the West Side? But then what is his case exactly? What else could they hold against him?

“I know nothing about this”, Kibum decides to answer.

The officer doesn’t even seem disappointed, but he just grins maliciously. “Oh, Mr Kim, you should think twice before lying to your government. We’re just getting started here.” 

Kibum feels a shiver run down his spine as he hears those words, but before he can say anything, the officer calls the guard back in. “For now, you’re dismissed.”

***

Jinki seems excited as he welcomes Kibum and Jonghyun into his and Minho’s apartment that evening. “It’s so good to see you all together for once”, he says when they are all gathered on the couches in the living room. “That’s true”, Minho adds, “it’s so rare that we all find the time to meet up.” 

Jonghyun nods absent-mindedly. He’s still not back to his normal self, Kibum thinks. After their encounter in the kitchen the other night, they never got around to talking about it in the end; Jonghyun avoiding the topic as before. 

Kibum really hopes he will accept the fact that Minseok was a spy soon – he knows how hard it is to realize something like this about somebody that you are close to, but Jonghyun never even told him about Minseok before, so how deep could their relationship really have gone? He sighs. He’s probably being very hypocritical, but he just wishes Jonghyun would open up to him.

After a while where they just sit and catch up with each other’s lives, Jinki leads them to the dinner table, and they start digging in. Minho and Jinki even cooked together tonight, and it’s surprisingly good, Kibum jokes. He’s had a good day today, even got enough sleep and went to work, and he’s enjoying his friends’ company immensely.

Minho has lived with Jinki ever since he became a citizen of the West and was able to move out of the camp. At first, he had wanted to move all the way to one of the bigger cities all the way in the south of the country, because they had found out that his father and brother lived there. But then he had found a job here and, as he had once admitted to Kibum, he also had wanted to stay close to the border in case his friends would make the escape somehow and need his help. Now, he just visits his family as often as he can.

“So was there any special occasion why you guys invited us today?”, Jonghyun says after dinner, while Jinki passes out cans of beer for everyone. “You look like you want to tell us something.”

“I actually have no idea”, Minho replies. “Jinki just told me that there was something he wanted to discuss with all of us, so here we are!”

Jinki nods. “It’s just that I received some really good news from headquarters yesterday”, he explains and takes a sip of his beer before setting it aside. Kibum looks up from where he’s fiddling with the latch of his can, curious as to what his cousin is talking about. 

“As you know”, he begins, “there are a number of different underground anti-government groups in the East Side who are working towards the goal of freeing the people from the Eastern government and maybe even uniting the country with the West.”

Kibum has heard of these groups before, from people in the camp talking about their ways of showing resistance or defiance. They apparently distribute hand-written flyers and stickers all over the capital city and even through the countryside; flyers that list the mistreatment that the government has given the citizens, reveal the names of spies by leaking the East Side’s files, and call for protest. For now, people still seem too afraid of getting arrested to stand up against the East Side, but on the other hand the government still hasn’t been able to stop the resistance groups.

“One of the most well-known groups are the Alliance for Unification”, Jinki continues. “And they found a way to contact us, because they need our help. After their last coup, where they even managed to break into a government facility and published hundreds of files, the East Side is way too close to finding out their identities. So they’re sending the members that were involved in that incident over the border under fake names so that no one will know who they really are, and they asked us to take care of them at the camp. Plus, they would like to use the West Side’s resources to stir up the situation in the East from the outside as well as the inside.”

Jinki has one of his amazing smiles on his face when he finishes talking, one that looks like he still can’t really believe what is happening but he’s so excited for it.

“Isn’t that awesome? Finally we can do more than only help the people that have to escape – we can help them return there one day. I really think those groups have a way of changing what is wrong in the East that the West government doesn’t necessarily have because they don’t have many people on the inside.”

Minho nods, and Kibum has to agree as well. He’s kind of skeptical about what such a small group of resisting people could possibly achieve, but they definitely seem to have skills and they will have an insight on the situation that the West Side doesn’t have. They can at least try to change something, and even if they won’t succeed, Kibum wants them to be safe in the West. He doesn’t want to think about how citizens that leak top-secret information would get treated when they would get arrested. How much more cruel would the guards get compared to what they did to him for much minor offenses?

He shudders and looks over to Jonghyun, who has turned pretty pale – maybe he is thinking the same? “Are you okay?”, Kibum asks concerned.

Jonghyun takes his hand under the table and squeezes it. “Yeah, I’m just worried that they’ll get caught when they try to cross the border”, he says and turns to Jinki. “Do you know when they’re planning to do it?” 

Jinki shakes his head. “They don’t want to tell us because they don’t believe it’s safe for anyone besides them to know. They’re not taking any risks right now. So they’ll only let us know their identities once they’re already here.” 

“Makes sense”, Minho says, and Kibum just prays that they will succeed.

***

After being dismissed from the interrogation room, the guard leads Kibum back to his cell. He unlocks the door without a word and is about to push him inside, when Kibum refuses to move. “Where am I supposed to sleep?”, he asks. He is so, so exhausted, but there is still no bed, and added to that he hasn’t eaten or drunk since that morning nor has he received any treatment for the injuries he suffered in the truck. 

“On the floor, for now”, the guard answers, his harsh tone of voice never changing. “What do you mean, for now?”, Kibum asks, trying hard not to sound too hopeful. “Until you give some answers”, the guard grunts, then shoves him into the room and slams the door shut, clearly fed up with having to talk to Kibum for more than a few seconds.

As soon as Kibum is alone again, he sighs and slides down the wall until he’s sitting there with his head heavily supported by his hands. For a moment back there, when the guard had told him he wasn’t going to get a bed, he had thought to protest, because how could they even do that? Just because they were suspicious of his loyalty to the East, they denied him basic rights? But then he had remembered that yes, they could do this to him, and no one would care or notice as long as he was in here. 

Now, he supposes he just has to wait until they reveal more about why they are keeping him here. 

After a while, where he tries to calm his rapid heartbeat down, he crawls over to the sink and pulls himself up until he’s leaning against it. Everything still hurts so much, but he has to satisfy his thirst before he’ll fall unconscious. Cautiously, he turns the handles of the water fountain, and watches as the first drops appear. 

He isn’t sure how good the quality of this water really is, and at first it comes out in a pretty ugly yellow-ish colour, but soon it looks more like drinking water, so he bends down to rinse out his mouth thoroughly. Then, he takes a few sips and is immediately overwhelmed by the relief he feels when the water runs down his throat. After he’s done drinking, he uses some of the water to wash his face, carefully dabbing at the swollen parts where he can feel bruises forming.

Then, another thought occurs to him: What if Minho is somewhere in this building as well? What if he hasn’t escaped in the end, but got treated the same or worse as Kibum now, until he told them that Kibum had wanted to go with him? But Minho wouldn’t give up this kind of information that quickly, he’s sure of that.

Suddenly, someone opens the door to his cell again and interrupts his thoughts. It’s the guard from before, but this time he hasn’t come empty-handed. With a few quick steps he reaches Kibum and unlocks his handcuffs. “You have to change into these”, he grunts and presses a thin collared shirt and a pair of linen pants into Kibum’s aching hands.

Kibum just stares at them, he can’t quite believe that he is supposed to wear this in his cold drafty cell, until the guard gets irritated. “Come on, move it”, he says and stands back against the door. He seems to wait for Kibum to undress, so Kibum puts his new clothes down on the floor and turns around to take off his jacket and shirt.

“Do you have something to hide or what?”, the guard sneers. “Turn back around, come on”. Kibum guesses he has no choice so he does what he’s ordered to do, undressing until he is in his underwear. The guard insisted he had to take his shoes and socks of as well, and inspects them thoroughly before handing them back and allowing Kibum to change into the new clothes. Then he takes all his old ones and disappears without a word.

Well. At least he doesn’t have the handcuffs anymore.

He spends the next few hours curled up in one of the corners of the cell, shivering hard through his thin prisoner’s clothes, until he drifts off to sleep. He keeps waking up because of the terrible position he is in, but at least he gets some needed rest before a guard pounds on his door and drags him to the interrogation room again. 

Kibum doesn’t even think to ask if he will get any food at all, since he’s too groggy and still half-asleep. At this point, he’s so deprived of everything that he feels so overwhelmed by the interrogating officer’s questions he nearly starts crying. But he wills himself to stay calm and to try not to show his distress to the officer.

And that’s when, after mostly having tried to get information about Jinki out of him for the last few minutes, the officer decides to reveal why they really have him locked up here. 

“Well, since you don’t seem to want to tell us anything about your cousin’s plans, we’ll have to talk about your own offences now. Remember, if you decide to give us more info eventually, you might not have to stay here for that long.”

Kibum is even tempted to give in for a few seconds, he doesn’t know how much longer he can do this – but even if he really wanted to, he doesn’t have any valuable knowledge about the West. Plus, he can’t be sure that he’s not just lying to him and they’re going to keep him here for as long as they want to no matter what he says. So he keeps his mouth shut, and waits for what the officer has to say.

“It came to our attention that you are friends with one Choi Minho, is that right?” Kibum nods hesitantly, hoping his affirmation doesn’t mean anything bad for Minho. 

“Your friend was last seen trying to enter a tunnel that leads out of this country with a bunch of other traitors a few days ago. A troop of our border patrol noticed them at the last second and went inside to pull them out of there, but in the middle of all of that, a bomb went off in the tunnel that killed one officer and injured five others.” 

Kibum swallows hard. So this was what the loud noise that he had run from had been. But what if Minho got hurt as well?

“What happened to Minho?”, he blurts out in a panic, realizing that this wasn’t a very good question as soon as it’s out of his mouth. 

The officer fixates him with a dangerous stare. “Good to see where your priorities lie, Mr Kim.” He scribbles something on his notepad. “Who cares about that traitor when a whole group of guards that were fighting for your protection from the enemy were wounded. We certainly don’t. For all we know, he could be dead.” Kibum clenches his fists angrily, refusing to believe that anything happened to his friend down there. 

“I hope you do realize that fleeing the East or even attempting it is a major crime”, the officer continues. “And if you add the intentional murder and attempted murder of our military force into the mix, it gets even worse. And we have reason to suspect that you were involved in this as well.”

Kibum feels himself turn pale. He didn’t even know about the bomb, but how could he possibly prove that? And how does the government even know he was present that night?

“We know that you two were planning to flee together, so don’t even try to deny that you were there”, the officer says, and then he suddenly smirks maliciously, as if he’d been waiting for the opportunity to ask his next question. “Well, aren’t you curious where we got all this information about you?”

“I’m guessing you have your ways of finding out stuff about your citizens”, Kibum says, slightly confused. He isn’t sure where this is going.

“That is true, but sometimes the citizens even help us with those tasks. We have people all over the country watching their neighbours’ or their friends’ activities and reporting them to us. And this little friend of yours, Lee Taemin, is one of them.” He pauses for a second. Kibum’s mind is reeling. Taemin is - “What on earth are you talking about?”, he manages to get out.

The officer just smirks at him again, seemingly finding satisfaction in Kibum’s confusion. “Did you really think his parents could have found new and well-paid jobs this easily if they wouldn’t have agreed to every condition that we gave them? They had no other choice but to work for us. Taemin wasn’t all that happy about it at first, but after he had to work for his country for a while he seemed to realize the truth about the evil ways of the West and he’s turned around to support the East Side in our fight against the enemy. So, Taemin has been reporting information about you and your other friend for years, and when he told us you were planning to flee the country, we knew we could catch you in the action of a serious crime, before you would make us any more trouble. Sadly, we didn’t succeed that night, but it was all thanks to Taemin that we were able to know so much about your connections to the West.”

“No, no, that can’t be true”, Kibum whispers to himself. The Taemin he knows would never do this. But Minho and him were the only ones who knew about their plan, and Minho of course wanted to escape with Kibum, and the officer has a point that Taemin knew everything that the government now knows about him, so he must be telling the truth:

Taemin is a spy for the East Side and he’s betrayed his best friends for his country’s ideals.

***

It’s a few weeks after Jinki told them about the Alliance members that are going to come over to the West soon, and they have still not arrived. After having a few good days, where he had let himself be infected by Minho’s and Jinki’s optimism about the whole operation, Kibum had slowly spiralled into anxiety and paranoia about the fate of the plan. There was so much that could go wrong, so much that they would have to suffer if they got caught in the East. 

Jonghyun seemed stressed out whenever they saw each other, so Kibum didn’t want to bother him with his problems, and the one time he had tried to voice his concerns, Jonghyun had looked so worried as well that it didn’t really help to reassure him.

Today, Kibum is not feeling well, he’s all jittery and exhausted not only from his constant worrying, but also because he had nightmares and flashbacks tonight, to cold prison cells and being thrown around the back of a truck and having to sit through endless interrogations with an empty stomach. The bitter feeling of betrayal hasn’t left him since he dreamt about the officer revealing Taemin’s status as a spy again, and he struggles doing even the most ordinary tasks in the morning.

Still, because he is stubborn and believes that it will be a good distraction, he decides to go to work anyways. Maybe the members of the Alliance will finally turn up and at least ease some of his anxiety.

So, he checks in at the front and tries his best to chat with the people that he’s working with, although it’s really exhausting. He has to strip off beds that aren’t used anymore because their occupants moved out of the camp, wash all the laundry and prepare the beds for newcomers. 

The rooms here are only big enough that six bunk beds fit into each of them, plus lockers for all the personal stuff. There’s a laundry room and bathrooms with showers on every floor, back from when this was a huge hostel once. Although they kept all the old beds like they were before, the camp directors did have to invest into new mattresses and bedding at the start, with donations from Western citizens also coming in a lot. 

Kibum carries a clean load of bedding through one of the hallways and into the next room, where a couple of beds are waiting to be made up. He’s busy spreading sheets when the door behind him opens. “Okay, so four beds are free here, so you guys can put your stuff here for now”, someone says and carries on explaining the accommodations to the new occupants. 

Kibum doesn’t pay them much attention, finishing the last bed and turning around to grab the laundry basket, when –

“Kibum? Kim Kibum?!”

Wait. He knows this voice, has heard it countless times before, and he hadn’t wanted to ever hear it again –

He can’t help but look up from his basket, hoping that he’s wrong as he scans the crowd, but there he is, older, but still recognizable. Taemin strides forward with a grin on his face.

No. No, this can’t be happening. Kibum’s eyes widen in shock, and he drops the basket as he stumbles backwards, hands trying to find something stable to hold onto and finding the cool metal of the bedpost. This must be a dream, he must still be stuck in that nightmare, and he can’t wake up, he can’t –

Breathing has suddenly gotten so much harder, there’s not enough air in his lungs, he’s not gonna make it -

And like being underwater, he sees Taemin talking to him, hearing only bits and pieces that miraculously get through to him – 

“I can’t believe I found you here”, he seems to say, and fuck, he’s right, what was he thinking staying here, at the border, working at this damn camp in plain sight of the East Side, of course they would come and find him eventually, of course they would send Taemin of all people to torture him even more, of course they – 

“Are you okay?”, Taemin asks in that moment, throwing Kibum off course so much that he stops hyperventilating for a second. But he’s way too close to him, even trying to reach out to him for some reason, and something inside Kibum finds enough strength to release the death-grip he has on the bed and to push Taemin away from himself.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”, he pants. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees the confused expression of everyone else in this room, and suddenly it dawns to him that he needs to let them know what’s going on. 

He takes one step forward, pointing at Taemin, who has retreated a bit, and shouts: “You can’t trust him! He’s a spy!” 

He tries to take another step forward, but the rush of energy he had until now suddenly leaves him, and everything goes black.

***

Taemin is a spy. He’s worked for the East since his parents were first arrested. At least that’s what the officer claims – and Kibum is having a hard time even thinking about the possibility of that being true. 

How could Taemin, who had always hated this country as much as Kibum, who he had grown up with and shared so much of his life with, turn around and betray his best friends?

These thoughts are running frantically inside his head while a guard brings him back to his cell. Still, he doesn’t fail to notice that the hallways are as deserted as ever, only the unnervingly bright white neon lights greeting him. Where are all the other prisoners? Why hasn’t he ever seen anyone else here, besides the East Side officials? 

They finally reach his cell door, the only thing differentiating it from all the other cells and corridors a series of numbers, which he just now notices are printed on the metal door. The guard pushes him inside, and he sits around for a while until someone else opens the door, startles Kibum out of his thoughts, sets down a tray and disappears. 

Kibum’s stomach growls loudly as he realizes that it is food. On closer inspection, it seems to be a bowl of lukewarm broth with something undefinable swimming in it, but at this point he couldn’t care less what it looks like as long as it’s edible. He gulps down the food hastily, feeling the warmth spread through his limbs and feeling momentarily relieved.

Hours later, that feeling has long disappeared and he’s curled up in a corner again, recalling the interrogation earlier for the millionth time. The way the officer had grinned as he had revealed Taemin’s betrayal makes Kibum nearly throw up. He remembers all the times they spent together, just the two of them hanging out after school, or the three of them after work, talking for hours and telling each other everything – has all of that really been fake all along? 

Kibum just can’t remember if any of Taemin’s actions could have been suspicious, but the longer he thinks about it, the more he starts to doubt every moment of the last few years. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

In the end, Kibum decides to confront the officer the next time he’s going to be interrogated. The officer and his own memory are the only sources of information that he has at the moment, and both of them aren’t really trustworthy right now. 

He spends another few hours – or at least that’s what it feels like – in his cell, thinking too much and failing to fall asleep, before he drifts off and gets rudely awakened again by someone dragging him back to the already familiar room. The officer ignores him again, making him wait several minutes before looking up from his paperwork. Kibum is groggy, and he has spent so many hours worrying and waiting already that he feels anger building up in his chest as the officer sneers at him. 

“Mr Kim”, he says and looks at his notes as if his conversations with Kibum weren’t important enough to remember. “I see we haven’t made much process with you, so let’s get right to it. We know you planned to flee with your friend Choi Minho, so where exactly were you that night?”

Kibum can’t believe it. This guy is just not going to mention Taemin again, after all that he said about him yesterday? “I’m not going to tell you anything if you don’t give me proof that Taemin is working for you”, he spits out, his anger boiling over.

The officer glares at him. “You want to be like this? Okay, I’ll prove it to you”, he says and then he reaches into one of his drawers and pulls out a file. “Here you go – these are phone interviews we had with him, and the information he gave.” 

Kibum looks at the first page, and it seems legit, but he still doesn’t want to believe it. He’s still so angry about everything that has happened to him so far, and he doesn’t want this, he doesn’t – “You’re lying”, he gets out, standing up and throwing the files off the table in one motion. “You’re making all of this up, this can’t be, this can’t be true!! Stop fucking with my mind!”

He pants heavily after this explosion. The officer looks severely pissed off at his attitude. “I can also call him if that will a better proof for you. But this behaviour will have consequences”, he states coldly.

Shit. Kibum angrily rubs at his eyes and sits back down. He feels like the way he behaved was probably a mistake, but his nerves are stretched so thin that he couldn’t help it. 

He watches anxiously as the officer reaches for his desk phone and dials a very familiar number. After a few seconds, someone on the other side seems to have picked up the phone, because the officer introduces himself. He listens, then looks over at Kibum and smirks.

”Yes, he’s sitting right here. Mhm. He wouldn’t believe me that you willingly work for us, so I called you – yeah I know, you’ve apparently done a great job of fooling everybody. Did they really think that you hate your country? Yeah – of course I know that you are proud to serve us. You’re not like all those traitors.”

He pauses, listens. “Well yeah, why don’t you tell him that yourself?” The officer offers the phone to Kibum, who has been sitting in shock for the last few minutes. “Here’s your proof. Now do you want to hear him spell it out for you?”, the officer barks.

Kibum thinks about hearing the words out of Taemin’s mouth, hearing him praise the East and call him a traitor, and he realizes he doesn’t want to hear this. He knows the number the officer called is Taemin’s, he has heard enough to figure it out by himself: Taemin is truly not the man he always thought he was.

Kibum shakes his head. The officer smiles triumphantly. “Looks like he finally realized the truth. Good job, Mr Lee.”

He hangs up and turns to Kibum with a dangerous glint in his eyes. “I’ll let you digest this for a bit. But in the meanwhile, I will make you regret every ounce of disrespect that you’ve shown me. I hope you’ll learn your lesson.”

As Kibum gets dragged out of the room once more, all he can think about is that there’s no one left in this country that cares about him; there’s truly no one on his side.

***

Kibum awakes to Minho and Jinki staring at him with concern. He blinks, trying to remember how he ended up on a bed in this room, which he thinks is the infirmary of the camp.

“What … happened?”, he gets out, and Minho and Jinki share a look, before Jinki sits down on the edge of Kibum’s bed. But before he can say anything, Kibum’s memory comes back in a jolt of panic, and he blurts out: “Taemin is here – fuck, he’s here and he saw me and –“

“Stop”, Jinki says calmly, but firmly, and Kibum stills. “You’ve already worked yourself up so much that you passed out once, there’s no need to repeat that. And we already know what happened, you told everyone in that room who he was before you lost consciousness. He’s being interrogated in the main office right now.” 

“We haven’t seen him yet, though”, Minho adds. His expression is conflicted, as if he doesn’t really know whether he wants to see his former best friend again or not. 

“But you guys believe me, right? Even though you haven’t seen him yet, you believe me?”, Kibum asks quietly. For all they know, he could have just imagined that whole encounter and freaked out at nothing, but he is pretty sure that what he saw is real. “Yes”, Minho says. “Of course we believe you.”

Kibum tries to calm down a bit, his friends’ presence comforting him and making him feel safer. Then, Jonghyun comes rushing into the room, looking relieved as he sees Kibum sitting up in his bed. “What happened?”, he asks breathlessly, “I only heard that you fainted and were brought here, but why? And why did you come to work? Didn’t I tell you you shouldn’t stress yourself out even further?”

He looks so worried that Kibum lets him hug him and even presses a kiss on his cheek to comfort him. “I’m sorry that I worried you”, he says quietly. Then Jonghyun pulls back, obviously expecting Kibum to explain the situation. It’s just that he doesn’t really know how to tell him.

“He saw Taemin”, Minho says when he sees Kibum’s discomfort. Jonghyun looks alarmed, squeezing Kibum’s hand hard. “Wait, what? Are you sure?” Kibum frowns. “Well, yeah; I’m pretty sure, he even called my name and said something to me, I’m just not sure what exactly because … well … I was having a panic attack …”

Jonghyun is very pale when Kibum finishes. “So, you’re telling me that Lee Taemin is in this building? Right now?”, he says. “Yeah, exactly”, Jinki responds. “He’s being interrogated, so I hope that they will send him to jail here for the crimes he has committed –“ 

He’s interrupted by Jonghyun suddenly standing up. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”, he says hastily. “I just remembered I forgot to finish something up in my office. Please keep me updated on the situation, okay?” With that, he disappears out of the room, leaving the three of them in stunned silence. 

“Huh”, Jinki remarks. “What was that about? Couldn’t he have stayed a bit longer?”

In that moment, someone else appears in the doorframe. Someone who Kibum really doesn’t want to see a second time today. “The guy who just came out of this room, who is he to you?”, Taemin asks, looking slightly panicked for some reason.

“That’s none of your business”, Minho says angrily, walking forward so that he’s blocking Taemin’s way to Kibum’s bed, who flinches when he sees him come closer. “What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you walking around alone when you should be locked up right now?”

Taemin, who had even smiled for some reason when he had first seen Minho, shoots him a confused look. 

“What are you guys even on about? I just cleared up the situation with the boss here, and came here as soon as they told me where you were to check up on you. But that’s not important right now – what’s important is that –“

“Wait, what?”, Jinki says, the confusion clear on his face. “What on earth did you tell headquarters so that they would release you?” 

Taemin shrugs. “The truth, of course: I told them my codename that I have in the Alliance, that the two others will arrive over the next couple of days, and that I have no freaking clue why my friends apparently think I’m a spy?”

He’s met with stunned silence. Kibum’s head hurts. What is going on here? Is he still stuck in a dream or is Taemin playing mindgames with them? He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and moves to stand up. He’s still a bit dizzy, but he needs answers, so he walks up to where Minho stands and leans on him for support. 

“Maybe we wouldn’t think that if you hadn’t ratted us out to the government and let me get arrested for trying to flee, only to brag about it on a fucking phone call”, Kibum gets out. He’s shaking, both out of anger and because he hates talking about what happened back then.

Taemin looks shocked. “What the hell did they do to you?”

“I thought you were proud of your work”, Kibum scoffs, trying to hide his confusion. “Well, congratulations, they’ve made a mess out of me.”

“Kibum …”, Minho says softly. “What? It’s true – I mean, look at me: I can’t fucking sleep, I panic about everything, and I can’t trust anyone. And all that because of you!”, he nearly shouts. Weirdly enough, it feels so so good to say all of this to Taemin’s face, even though he knows he probably won’t care. 

Then he actually looks at Taemin’s face and sees – pain. The Taemin he knew never cried, but this Taemin seems to be on the verge of tears. 

“I can’t believe this – why did this happen to you? What did they tell you to make you believe something like that?”, he says quietly. “I … I always thought you were both safe on the other side – I swear, I swear I didn’t do anything that would have led them to arrest you …” 

Kibum feels like he really needs to sit down after that outburst of his, and especially after what he just heard. He moves back to sit on the edge of the bed, Minho and Jinki coming with him to stand on either side of him while Taemin still hovers awkwardly at the door. Kibum rubs his face. He feels so exhausted, and he’s so tired of feeling confused. 

“You’ll have to explain more than just that”, Minho says, “If you didn’t do anything to make the guards arrest Kibum, then what did you do?”

“And did you really say you were a member of the Alliance?”, Jinki adds, finally able to say what he has been waiting to ask since earlier.

“I did nothing!”, Taemin exclaims. “You guys said your goodbyes, you didn’t come back to work the next morning, my family was briefly questioned about your disappearance, but that was it. So I assumed that you had made it to the West – what else was I supposed to think? Of course I was surprised when you never contacted me, never wrote any letters, but I thought you were probably busy with your new lives in the West and also didn’t want any suspicions fall on my family again. And eventually, we moved to a different apartment, and I couldn’t let you know my new address because I didn’t know yours. And then I finished college and got a job and moved in with a friend, and I guess at this point I thought I would probably never see you or hear from you again.” His voice wavers a bit. Then he turns to Jinki. 

“And yes, I’m in fact a member of the Alliance, actually one of the founding members together with Jongin – you probably know him as Kai, he’s the leader. After I moved in with him, we both decided we had to fight from the inside. I thought this would be the only chance of seeing you guys again someday and not having to abandon my family. So we released a bunch of info on the Party and we broke into their facilities but the last one was way too risky, so here I am! By the way, it’s really nice meeting you for the first time, Jinki”, he adds.

“I’m not sure that I can return the sentiment”, Jinki says grimly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I’m also not sure if I should believe your explanation”, Minho adds. Kibum doesn’t think any of them are sure about that at the moment.

“But … even if what you say is true”, Kibum says quietly, “then why were there files about me, written by you … and I saw the officer dial your number, and he had a conversation with you about how much of a traitor I was and what a great job you had done when you were getting me arrested –“

“That phone call never happened”, Taemin says quietly, stepping a bit closer and looking disappointed as Kibum flinches. “I don’t know what that guy did to make it seem like he called me, but I swear I never talked to him. And of course I didn’t write files about you. I have no idea why they would come up with this whole story about me, but apparently it worked. Did you all really think I was working for the East?”

“Well, yeah, after Kibum told us what he had experienced we believed him of course”, Jinki says.

Taemin looks sad for a moment, but then he seems to remember something, because he soon sports the same panicked expression that he had when he first came inside. “I know we have a lot to work on here, but I really need to know this: Who is that guy that I saw coming out of this room and walking fast in the opposite direction earlier?”

The three of them share a look. They don’t really trust Taemin, but is Jonghyun in danger if they tell him? Jinki doesn’t seem to think so, because he says: “That was Jonghyun, Kibum’s boyfriend.” “He’s your boyfriend?” Taemin seems shocked by that. “Yeah; they also live together, but why do you want to know all of this?”, Minho says.

Taemin exhales loudly. “Remember those files we stole about East Side spies? Well I printed them so many times that I’ve basically memorized all of them. And I could swear that Jonghyun was on one of them.”

***

After he has led Kibum back to his cell, the guard doesn’t disappear like he usually does. Instead, he stays near the door, and when Kibum moves to sit down, he strides forward and roughly pulls him up onto his feet. “You’re going to stand. That’s an order”, he says. “Wait, what?”, Kibum responds, although he guesses he shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore. “You heard the officer, right? You need to learn a lesson. So stand straight, and no touching the walls.”

That is how he spends the next few hours, the guard leaning against the sink while Kibum has to stand in the middle of the room until his legs are shaking. He wishes he had the strength to protest, to rebel against the guard’s orders. But he is so so scared of what they would do to him then. Eventually, his legs just give out and he tries in panic to get up again but he can’t, he can’t, … 

The guard lets him struggle, until he seems to have enough and orders him to lie straight on his back and not move a muscle, which is how he miraculously drifts off to sleep at some point. Every time that he shifts while he sleeps, the guard wakes him up again and makes him lie straight again. At some points, the guards change, but Kibum doesn’t even register it. 

This continues on for days. He barely gets any sleep, since the light in his cell is constantly on and he gets awakened by guards constantly. Plus, they don’t give him any food for so long that he feels weak and dizzy all the time. Then, there’s the embarrassment of having to relieve his business in front of the guards. 

At least there are other people in his cell, even though they are hostile. But one day, a guard leaves, and nobody comes in to replace them, and Kibum simply breaks down. He doesn’t know what to feel – on the one hand he has had no privacy for weeks and now he doesn’t have to follow their orders anymore. On the other hand, at least he knew they had orders to stay with him – what if now, they will just leave him in here to slowly waste away? 

Days pass with no human contact besides the occasional delivery of food – they seem to want to keep him alive, at least – but even then, he doesn’t exactly see the guards or anyone else for that matter. His routine of having to lie straight has become so ingrained into his body that he does it automatically when he goes to sleep. And even though there’s no one around to wake him, he can’t sleep for more than an hour at a time. That’s when the nightmares start as well, sometimes they’re about the night of the escape, sometimes he finds himself back in the truck with no way of getting out, and sometimes it’s Taemin, his face distorted in mocking laughter at the state that Kibum is in right now.

When they finally bring him back to the interrogation room, he nearly starts to cry. Finally, he isn’t in his cell anymore, isn’t isolated anymore. He’s all alone in this, nobody is going to help him here, so he might as well at least try to get out of this misery. 

Which is why, eventually, he breaks and tells the officer what happened that night, and that he never had anything to do with the bomb that went off, and he also ends up telling him the names of the people that organized the escape, hoping silently that they aren’t in the East anymore. He just wants so desperately for all of this to end. But the officer just writes everything down and sends him back to his cell. 

One day later, though, they bring an actual bed into his room, which is at least an improvement. But the guards pick up their routine of only letting him sleep in a certain position, again, so it doesn’t help much. They try to get more out of him, but at some point they realize he really doesn’t have more information. 

This is how he finds himself on a bus transport with a dozen of other prisoners that he has never seen before. The windows are darkened, from the inside as well as the outside, so that they can’t see where they are and East Side citizens on the other side won’t know who is inside. 

He looks around at the others, and sees his own feelings reflected: a mix of hope and fear. They all have no idea what is going to happen to them, and they are too afraid to talk too each other, after months of talking to no one but guards and building up distrust of everybody else. 

After they have driven around for some time, they stop for longer than just a few seconds, and everyone gets even more nervous. Then, a guard with the unmistakable uniform of the border patrol comes inside and counts their heads, before climbing back out. The bus pulls forward after a while, and then comes to a stop again. 

Two prison guards open the doors of the bus. “Everyone out”, one of them orders. “You’re useless for us, and you’re a shame for our country, so we’re making sure you never come back”, the other one adds. Now everyone has become curious as to where they are, so they climb out the bus and can’t believe their eyes while the guards drive away behind them. A few hundreds of meters away is the heavily guarded border – but they definitely aren’t in the East anymore. It all feels like a dream to Kibum, but he’s finally made it to the West.

After a while, West Side police officers find them, and bring them to the refugee camp, where they’ll have to stay for a while.

Kibum still can’t believe that all of this is real. They give him food here, they give him shelter, they give him a room full of people that share similar experiences. And most importantly, they give him Jinki and Minho. When he sees Jinki at random in one of the hallways, he isn’t sure if that is really his cousin. The last time that he sent a photo was a while ago, but Kibum still can’t help but run up to him. They hug for what feels like an eternity, and the next time that Jinki visits his room, he brings Minho with him, who by that time already lives in his apartment. 

Both of them start to cry when they see each other again, after months of not knowing what happened to the other. Kibum is relieved to learn that Minho was barely hurt during his escape through the tunnel; while Minho is devastated when Kibum slowly opens up about his time in prison and Taemin’s betrayal. 

A few weeks after he first arrives at the camp, he gets a new bunkmate. His name is Kim Jonghyun, and he was a prisoner too, although from what it sounds like they didn’t treat him as bad as Kibum, and he got released sooner. Jonghyun quickly becomes closer to him, while they share not only a bunkbed but also their stories with each other, and he finds himself being comforted by his presence when he can’t fall asleep or he has a particularly bad nightmare. 

When they both get cleared to leave the camp with their new West Side passports, they agree on getting an apartment together. And somewhere in between, they both develop feelings for each other, and everything falls into place.

It turns out, though, that living in the West isn’t as freeing as he had always thought. Kibum struggles with the adjustment of living a normal life again, after having been isolated from others for so long. But Jonghyun always stays by his side through every up and every down.

… or at least that is what Kibum thinks.

***

A stunned silence is lying over the room.

“I hope you don’t expect me to believe whatever you’re trying to tell me with this”, Kibum speaks up after his initial shock is gone. It hasn’t even been two minutes since Taemin has tried explaining why he apparently isn’t a spy, and now he’s suddenly accusing his boyfriend of being one?

“I’m sorry, Kibum”, Taemin says. “I’m just telling you what I saw.” 

Minho and Jinki exchange a look. “To be honest, he’s been acting weird lately, don’t you think?”

“Well yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything!”, Kibum says appalled. “Why are you so easily convinced by him anyways?” He points an accusatory finger at Taemin. 

“He’s been here for a few minutes and he already has you wrapped around his finger, hasn’t he?” 

“Kibum, please, …”, Minho tries to say, but he interrupts him. 

“Listen, I get that Taemin’s story is very believable. But we have as much proof of him saying the truth as we have of the East Side saying the truth about him. I spent four years thinking that he betrayed us, four years of being haunted by the memories we had together. Of course I always wished that everything I learned about him was wrong, but now that he’s claiming this, I can’t just change all I have believed in overnight. I need time to think about this. Please.” When he looks up, Minho just nods understandingly.

Kibum sighs and stands up. “Where are you going?”, Taemin asks tentatively. “Home. I need to rest”, he says tiredly. Jinki and Minho both hug him before he goes and mumble supportive words, but he’s grateful that they’re not trying to push him.

He has no idea how he makes it home, feeling so exhausted that he crashes immediately onto the couch when he enters the apartment. There’s just too much that has happened today, too many questions swirling in his mind. He stays on the couch for a long time, trying to make sense of everything, until he gets so frustrated that he decides to find out the truth by himself.

If Taemin isn’t lying, then maybe, just maybe, he can find proof of Jonghyun being a spy somewhere in this apartment. It’s not like he wants him to be right, but he desperately needs answers. 

So, he starts searching frantically, in every place that he can think of. He pulls drawers out of dressers and cabinets and turns them upside down, he looks in every corner and  behind every picture that’s hanging on the walls. He finds nothing, which doesn’t calm him down at all, because he doesn’t even know what he’s searching for and what if he just overlooked it?

Taemin has planted a tiny seed of doubt in him and he’s already reacting to it, he realizes angrily. What if this is just another trick? But on the other hand, Jonghyun has clearly been hiding something from him the last few weeks, and it all started when Minseok was arrested … Kibum shakes his head and tries to focus on finding clues again. He’s already doubting everything, so he might as well continue searching.

And then, in a shelf in Jonghyun’s room, he finds a false bottom. He can’t believe his eyes as he lifts the latch that was hidden behind books and exposes a briefcase wedged between the fake and the real bottom. He inhales sharply as he takes it out of the shelf and puts it onto Jonghyun’s bed. What on earth is this? There’s not even a lock on the briefcase, which either means that Jonghyun didn’t expect anyone to find this at all, or that there is nothing suspicious in there. Kibum prays for it to be the latter as he opens the case.

It is full of photos, of him and Jinki and the camp, and full of files, documenting phone calls and conversations, and there is one folder which sticks out to him that says in bold letters: Kim Kibum Case File. And on at least half of the content in the briefcase Kibum identifies unmistakably the logo of the East Side.  _ Fuck _ . 

It is already the second time today that Kibum can’t seem to be able to breathe. The letters in front of him blur together as he feels tears rise up. This can’t be real. Nothing in the last five hours can be real. 

The sound of a door falling close makes him jump. Seconds later, Jonghyun is standing in the doorway to his room, staring at the destruction in the apartment. Then, he sees Kibum kneeling on his bed with the briefcase, files and photos scattered around him, and his eyes widen. 

“Care to explain this?”, Kibum gets out through his teeth. “What happened?”, Jonghyun asks instead of answering the question.

“Taemin may or may not have told me the truth about him and that he recognized you from a list of East Side spies”, Kibum says and takes in Jonghyun’s shocked expression. “Either way, I found this and I want an explanation. Now.”

Jonghyun seems to contemplate what to answer for a few moments. “Seems like you already know everything, what more can I explain?”, he says then with a cold voice and Kibum’s heart shatters. 

“It’s no use keeping it a secret anymore when my position is going to be compromised anyways. Wanna know the complete truth? I’m only here to find out more about how our treatment affects people after they’re released, and to use your connection to Jinki to get information about the West’s plan. Believe me, you will not succeed even if you work together with the Alliance. We know everything about that operation now.”

“But … but why?”, Kibum asks, tears finally welling over and streaming down his face. “Why me?”

“Because you’re an easy target”, Jonghyun shrugs. “When I first was sent into the camp, I was only supposed to get a job there to study everything that was going on. But when I told my boss who I had befriended they sent me your file, I saw the connection to Jinki and got to work. For someone who always talks about how you can’t trust anyone, it was way too easy to become close to you. I was impressed that you even wanted a relationship. You truly are weak and desperate”, Jonghyun sneers. 

Kibum flinches back at the insult. “But why did they build up this whole story about Taemin, then? It doesn’t make sense”, he tries to argue.

“It’s all in your file”, Jonghyun waves his hand dismissively, as if it isn’t all that important. “It was actually this guy at your workplace that was working for us who overheard you talking about supporting the West and reported it, so we told him to attach surveillance devices to your stuff and that is how we found out about your plans. But we needed to isolate you from everyone that you considered an ally. We also wanted to make sure you wouldn’t contact anyone in the East after we released you. Fake phone calls belong to that routine.”

“This is a routine for you? You do that regularly to other prisoners?”, Kibum asks angrily. “Of course. We call the whole process psychological destruction. I’ve been studying the effects and as I’ve observed, it works very well on most people”, Jonghyun says and raises an eyebrow, looking almost … amused at Kibum?

“Fuck you”, Kibum spits out. “Do you seriously find joy in this? Why are you people so hellbent on destroying my life?”

“Don’t worry, the world doesn’t only revolve around you”, Jonghyun answers drily and shrugs. “You were just a means to an end. My boss wanted information, getting close to you was the easiest way to get it, that’s all.”

“So why did you start acting weird since last month since your plan was working out so incredibly well?”, Kibum asks.

For the first time, Jonghyun looks uncomfortable. “My boss is very demanding and he wants results, but sometimes they don’t come as fast as he wants to”, he tells him. He doesn’t seem to want to reveal more, but somehow, he ends up saying: “And to be really honest with you, yes, I worked with Minseok, and I’ve been alone on this mission ever since he was careless enough to get caught, and then I had to be extra careful. Plus, I am so so sick of this country and how they look down on the East. But we will strike back and you’ll see that we are superior”, he pronounces. 

Kibum just laughs bitterly and a bit hysterically. “You seriously still believe in this shitty excuse of a country that you come from? And you are the most hypocritical person that I’ve ever met. Oh no, you’re feeling pressured by your boss and you’re all alone? If that already makes you feel so bad, have you ever thought of how you’re doing much worse things to your prisoners, to me? And you’re amused by your little experiments? You are really fucked up.”

He’s had enough of this, he decides and throws all the stuff on the bed back into the briefcase, shutting it close and standing up. He shoulders past Jonghyun on the way out, who seems to be rendered speechless by his outburst. “Where are you going with this?” he simply asks, looking at the briefcase in Kibum’s hands.

“Why would I ever tell you that? And don’t even try to take it from me”, Kibum says, opening the door and leaving the destroyed apartment behind, Jonghyun staring after him.

***

PART II: THE FUTURE

***

It’s a miracle that he even makes it to Minho and Jinki’s apartment. He has to take the subway – or rather, he could probably also walk but it would take so much longer, and he figures it’s easier to shake a person off in the crowds at the station in case someone is following him. But then he sits in the subway, shaking so so hard, his heart beating madly and feeling the gazes of other passengers on him, and he thinks a walk might have been the better option after all. He must be a sight: a disheveled, distraught young man, clutching a brown briefcase as if his life depended on it, never making any eye contact with the other passengers.

He releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when he finally escapes the tunnels and comes up into the evening sun. It’s only a short walk from here to the apartment, and he almost runs the rest of the way until he arrives, panting hard, on their doorstep.

After his frantic knocking, Minho opens the door and Kibum stumbles inside. “I… he… he was right”, Kibum tries to say, still clutching the briefcase so hard it hurts. Minho looks confused, but nonetheless grabs Kibum by his shoulders to make him focus. 

“I don’t know what’s going on, but you have to sit down before you tell me anything”, he says resolutely, and leads him to the couch in the living room. 

“Okay, so what happened?”, he asks after they both have sat down. In that moment, Jinki and Taemin come out of the kitchen. 

“Wait”, Kibum says accusingly. “What is  _ he  _ doing here? Did you really just let him into your apartment before we even had proof that he’s telling the truth?”

His friends at least manage to look guilty at that while Taemin shrinks into himself. “I’m sorry, I can go if you need me to”, he says quietly. 

“He said he didn’t feel safe at the camp so we invited him to ask some more questions”, Jinki explains calmly. Kibum sighs. “It’s okay, I guess. He can stay.” 

“Thank you”, Taemin says, and he and Jinki move to sit down on the other side of the living room. Kibum’s gaze goes back to the briefcase, and he shudders. He tries to process what happened in the past hour, but he keeps replaying Jonghyun’s behaviour over and over again, the way he had used him all this time, and the mocking expression that he had on his face when he had revealed everything to him. The anger that he felt earlier and that made him strong enough to confront Jonghyun is now gone, replaced by hurt and a feeling of hopelessness. Have the three years of living with Jonghyun really all been a lie? 

“Kibum”, Minho interrupts his thoughts. “You need to tell us what happened, and then maybe we can figure out how we can help you”, he says with an encouraging smile. 

He takes a deep breath. “Taemin was right”, he says then. “He was right about everything. I went home and I found this”, he puts the briefcase onto the coffee table in front of him, finally releasing it from his death-grip. “Jonghyun came home so I asked him about it and he …” He can’t bring himself to say it. Finally, he feels everything overwhelming him. He buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking violently, tears running down his face. 

“He lied to me – all those years he lied to me”, he sobs. “Why does this always happen to me? How could he possibly be this cruel?” 

He feels an arm around his shoulder, comforting him, pulling him into a hug, and he cries his heart out into Minho’s shirt until there’s nothing left but a dull pain in his chest. 

Even though he’s incredibly exhausted, he eventually tells them the full story, finding strength in his friend’s embrace. Jinki opens the briefcase at some point, and they all stare at the evidence piled up in there. Taemin keeps quiet for most of it, but his face hardens the more Kibum explains all the things the East Side had done. 

“I don’t know what to do now”, Kibum confesses tiredly when there’s nothing more to say. He feels … empty.

“Well, first of all, we need to alert the authorities”, Jinki says, because he always knows the right thing to do. “We’re going to get Jonghyun arrested, so that he’ll never hurt you or anyone else like this again”, he adds firmly and comes over to hug Kibum as well. 

“Thank you”, he says quietly, grateful for his friend’s help. Then he realizes something. “Shit, I left all my stuff behind –“ What is he going to do? He really doesn’t want to see Jonghyun again, especially not today. 

“I’ll get it for you”, Taemin suddenly speaks up, making everyone turn their heads towards him. He’s still on the other couch, on the opposite side of the room, and he looks determined. “I don’t know this guy, I have no emotional attachments to him like you guys do. All I know is that he used you for his own purposes and I will do anything to prevent you from having to meet him again.”

“But what if – what if he tries to do something to you?”, Minho says. Kibum never thought he would hear someone ever say this about Jonghyun, but Minho is probably right. They have no idea what Jonghyun is capable of.

“Don’t worry about me.” Taemin has a hard look in his eyes. “I got in and out of East Side facilities without a problem, I’m gonna get into that apartment as well. You just have to tell me where it is and what you’ll need.”

“I’ll drive you there”, Jinki offers, being the only one that owns a car. 

“I’ll write a list”, Kibum says gratefully. 

Taemin is already halfway to the door after Kibum gave him his list, when he calls out to him. “Taemin, thank you, really”, he says exhaustedly. “We – I have been treating you so unfairly today, I –“

“It’s okay”, Taemin says with a sad smile. “You didn’t know.” And with that he turns around and leaves.

They don’t return for a long time, and Kibum gets more and more anxious. It’s dark outside now, but the apartment is lit up in warm shades of yellow. Minho tries to distract him by getting him to help with making dinner, but he still glances to the clock and to the door way too often.

When the door finally opens, he nearly jumps out of his skin, the utensils he’s about to set on the table clattering in his hands.

Jinki and Taemin enter, arms full of boxes and bags. Kibum is glad that he doesn’t have too much stuff, so it’s manageable for the both of them. Regardless, he rushes forward to help them.

“How did it go?”, he asks nervously.

“He wasn’t even there”, Taemin says.  “But he didn’t take his stuff, so I’m assuming he’s going to stay there for now. I did another search in case you missed any evidence, but I didn’t find anything. He might have some stuff stored in his office, so we should take a look there soon.”

They take Kibum’s stuff to the couch, where he’s going to be sleeping from now on. Then, when they’re all sitting down to eat, Kibum remembers the same scene that happened a few weeks ago, just with Jonghyun instead of Taemin, and it makes him realize something.

“He … he knows where you guys live and that I’m probably there”, he blurts out, the others staring at him mildly confused. “Jonghyun – he will find us here, who knows what he’ll do to us –“

“Look”, Taemin interrupts him. “Everyone is playing with open cards now. We know Jonghyun’s identity, and he knows about us, but we’re still in the West, and he’s the enemy here, so we have the upper hand right now. So let’s get to work.”

***

Taemin definitely gets to work over the next couple of days. His group members, two guys named Sungwoon and Moonkyu, arrive soon enough at the camp and quickly get introduced to Minho, Jinki and Kibum. Somehow, Jinki ends up offering them his apartment as their new headquarters when they mention they don’t feel safe setting up their office at the camp, as it would attract too much attention.

They swipe the apartment for bugs that Jonghyun might have planted,  which makes Kibum incredibly nervous, and Minho drags him out of the apartment to run errands with him so that he stops worrying. When they come back, Sungwoon tells them that they actually found a small mic and destroyed it immediately, which brings back Kibum’s anxiety full force. Taemin tries to reassure him that it doesn’t matter what Jonghyun heard, that they still have the upper hand, but Kibum is barely listening. He feels unsafe wherever he goes, a constant paranoia following him that tells him there must be things they overlooked.

He tries not to think about how his life got turned upside down again. He still hasn’t really processed all of this, and in the meantime there is so much happening in such a short amount of time that his brain can’t keep up. He tries to help wherever he can, but he feels as if he could break down at any moment.

Meanwhile, the others proceed to bring in and assemble all the equipment that the West Side has given them to work with. One of the first things that they do once everything is installed is calling their leader, Kai, over an encrypted line that the East will not be able to decipher.

Taemin’s face lights up when he hears Jongin’s voice coming through, crackling but still understandable. “I’m glad to hear you all made it safely”, he says. “And I want to express my gratitude to your friends for your help”, he adds. “It’s my pleasure”, Jinki responds. “I’m glad to contribute to your mission in any way possible.”

Jongin asks them for an update on what happened the last few days, and gets curious when Taemin mentions how he first met Kibum again. He wants to know more about what happened to him, which of course is important for him to understand the situation with Jonghyun, so Kibum reluctantly gives Taemin his permission to tell the story. He doesn’t exactly feel like explaining it himself, feeling bad enough as it is.

Taemin shoots an apologetic glance towards Kibum, before he tells Jongin roughly what the East Side had done to him. He still doesn’t know all the details, but it’s enough that halfway through, Kibum can’t stand to listen to it anymore and goes outside to get some fresh air, leaning against the wall of the building. Sometime later, Minho comes to check up on him. Kibum is grateful that he knows when to give him some space. “You okay?”, he asks softly. 

“No, not really”, Kibum admits. “Everything is just getting too much right now. But … this helped … a little.” He offers Minho a shaky smile.

“So …”, Minho starts up after a while. “You won’t like this, but Jongin’s made this whole plan now to reveal the things that happen in the interrogation prison where you were – since nobody but the prisoners and the government knows that it exists – and that means that they want to interview ex-prisoners that they’ll find at camp, and of course, you too.”

Kibum stays silent for a while. Having to talk about all of this again won’t be good for him and his current mental state, and he knows that. But if it will help the resistance to bring the people to the streets -

“You can say no, you know that”, Minho says as he sees Kibum’s conflicted expression. “They’ll find others, I’m sure.”

“No”, Kibum says, although he’s really not sure if this is a good idea. “No, I’ll do it. The citizens need to know the truth. But … I need one of the other two guys to do it. Sungwoon or Moonkyu. Let them do the interview. It’s already hard enough to talk about this”, he admits, and Minho nods understandingly. Having Taemin there would just add another layer of emotional stress that Kibum isn’t ready for.

“I’ll make sure of that”, Minho says, and they head back inside shortly afterwards.

***

They don’t do the interview that same evening because Kibum excuses himself early to get some sleep, and Taemin, Moonkyu and Sungwoon head back to camp to get some rest as well.

Then, the next day, Jinki comes home unexpected in the middle of the day, only a few hours after he went to work.

“Okay, I don’t want to worry you all too much”, he says, which isn’t a good sign to begin with. “But I went to report Jonghyun a few days ago and they have since been trying to locate him.”

“What do you mean, locate him? Isn’t he still at the apartment?”, Minho asks. “Well, apparently not”, Jinki says.

The three Alliance members, who are already here and setting up some more stuff, immediately decide to investigate upon hearing this and pile into Jinki’s car, while Minho and Kibum stay back once more. They come back with the news that Jonghyun’s apartment is completely empty, no traces of anyone living there anymore. “Maybe he just waited a bit until he got new orders from his boss, and then moved out”, Taemin suggests. 

“Well, great”, Kibum says distressed. “Now we don’t even know where he is anymore.”

“Probably back in the East”, Sungwoon says. “So I don’t think we really have to worry about him anymore.”

Kibum wants to disagree, he would prefer actually knowing where Jonghyun is and to get him arrested, but he decides to hope for the best – that he is somewhere where he can’t reach them right now.

He finally tells Moonkyu everything the next day. He manages to hold himself together pretty well, but his nerves are on edge once he’s done and he doesn’t feel like talking to anyone else for the whole rest of the day. He mostly just sits on the couch, wrapped in an extra blanket that Jinki brought him, and stares at a spot on the wall, his mind replaying the things he told Moonkyu over and over again. 

The last time he told someone all of it was four years ago, but he remembers that he felt equally exhausted. He feels the others staring at him worriedly, but he doesn’t have the energy to actually focus on them. Minho somehow gets him to eat a little bit, but afterwards, he starts nodding off and soon falls asleep.

That night, he has a dream. Everything is dark, and cold, and a voice keeps yelling at him to stop moving. _I can’t hold still any longer_ , he tries to say, but the voice sounds even angrier now. _Of course not, you’ve always been weak_ \- and Kibum realises that it is Jonghyun talking. _It’s so funny how we can just make you do whatever we want_ , he taunts him. But the face that appears out of the darkness isn’t Jonghyun’s at all. It’s Taemin’s. _No, no_ , he hears himself whimper. The face laughs, its features changing rapidly from Taemin’s to Jonghyun’s and back again. _How will you ever know what is real and what isn’t_ , their voices seem to say, the face coming closer and closer in a terrifying grimace –

And Kibum starts awake with a gasp. He’s panting loudly, trying to figure out where he is, trying to calm down his erratic heartbeat, when he sees Taemin’s face hovering over him again in the dimly lit room. Kibum scrambles backwards as fast as he can, but he hits something on his way that crashes down to the ground, and suddenly the whole room is pitch black. 

“Oh, fuck”, someone says loudly and then he hears footsteps coming, and his breathing speeds up, sure that he is back in his nightmare, when suddenly the whole room lights up brightly. He throws his arm up to protect his eyes, thrown back into a memory of a dark truck and the blinding moment when they opened up the doors. 

But when he finally looks up, it’s only the yellow light of the ceiling lamp that is filling the living room, and Taemin is standing on the other side of the couch, right next to the lightswitch. Still caught up in his nightmare, his body reacts by trying to get as far away as possible from him, but as he moves to stand up from the couch and get out of this somehow, he looks down and sees broken glass. He quickly moves his feet up again and stares at the pieces of glass confusedly. 

“You knocked over a lamp”, Taemin says, pulling him out of his stupor, and he realizes that he’s trapped.

“Kibum, look at me, look at me”, Taemin pleads, but he refuses. “You’re not real”, Kibum whispers over and over again, hoping that this will make him go away. 

“I promise, I’m not going to harm you, I’m never going to and I never have”, Taemin says and moves to sit down on the other end of the couch. Shit, he’s definitely real, Kibum thinks, and that’s when everything starts coming back to him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”, he says and buries his face in his hands. “It’s alright, you’re safe here”, Taemin tries to comfort him, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t really know how to handle this.

Kibum sighs. It has become too normal too quickly that Taemin is back in his life and innocent of the betrayal he accused him of, and his mind clearly hasn’t caught up with that yet. “Why are you still here?”, he asks.

“I stayed. I was worried about you”, Taemin admits. “But I guess that wasn’t such a great idea …”

“No, no, it’s just that –“ “You don’t have to explain yourself”, Taemin interrupts. “I get it. As you said before, you spent four years thinking I had sent you to that horrible place. You need time, and it’s only been a few days …”

It’s quiet between them for a while, Kibum still working on calming down while Taemin looks at him worriedly. “I’m scared of falling asleep again”, Kibum confesses tiredly. Taemin only nods, seeming to be in deep thought about something. 

Then, he suddenly speaks up again. “Maybe … maybe I can help”, he suggests, hesitating for a second before he asks: “Are you okay with being touched?”

Kibum has to think about it for a moment, but he actually finds himself craving for physical contact. “Yeah … that would actually be really nice”, he tells Taemin, who gestures at him to lie down and lay his head on his lap. “Don’t worry about the lamp”, he says when he sees Kibum glancing towards it. “I’ll take care of it tomorrow. You just relax now, please.” He starts stroking Kibum’s hair, the soft, repetitive motion calming him down. Kibum almost feels sleepy again, when Taemin starts speaking.

“All these years … I missed you so much”, he says quietly. “To find out that they made you despise me instead was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced …” Kibum doesn’t really know how to respond to that, and he feels himself slowly falling asleep, so he just stays silent.

“I hate the way you looked at me when we first met each other again – you looked so terrified, and I didn’t know why. Our reunion should have been exciting, and happy, but they took that from us. They took too many things, from me, and from you, and I hate them so much for it.”

Taemin sighs, frustrated. “I hope that one day, you will be able to look at me again without doubt and without fear, and maybe you will see me as your friend again. Until then, I’m going to make them pay for everything they’ve done. I’m going to make things right.”

***

And he does. It takes months and months of work, but he does.

After the Alliance publishes their report about the East Side’s spying methods and interrogation prisons, more and more people that fled from the East speak up about their own experiences. On the other side of the border, Jongin and his part of the group work hard on spreading the truth about the government, as well, and encouraging the citizens to start protesting. 

Soon, the people, finally fed up by the government’s actions, join the Alliance and other resistance groups in masses to march on the streets, unafraid even when faced with the military, who tries to break the protests up violently, which only sparks more hatred against them.

Although the government tries their best to fight back, the country starts to crumble under the pressure of the people, and eventually, through strikes and protests and threats from neighbouring countries, the system crashes down. The borders open, after more than twenty years of being strictly guarded, and the East start negotiating with the West, finally becoming one country controlled by the West government.

It feels unreal to Kibum when Minho goes to visit his mother and drives with her to the rest of his family, or when Jongin just walks into the apartment one day to meet Taemin instead of having to call to talk to him. Kibum himself doesn’t quite feel ready to go back to the former East territory, but he’s happy for his friends.

The next time Kibum sees Jonghyun he is in a courtroom, testifying against him. They caught him and a few other former spies trying to escape to one of the still remaining allied countries of the East, and are now putting them all on trial.

He doesn’t know if he actually ever loved Jonghyun, he thinks as he watches the procedure. Maybe it was all just in his mind, like most things seem to be. But now, as he looks at him again, he feels only hatred, and pity at the fact that Jonghyun is still so loyal to a country that doesn’t even exist anymore. In the end, he finally gets locked away and Kibum returns to the safety of his friends’ support and their apartment that has become his home by now.

Jinki finally convinces him to seek help, and he starts seeing a therapist not long after East and West become one country. He still has a lot to work on, he still has nightmares and panic attacks, and it’s incredibly hard to talk to someone in detail about what happened to him, but it helps, at least a little bit.

A few years later, the interrogation prison, which turns out to be right in the middle of a military district in the capital, opens its doors again, but this time as a museum. On one of his visits with Taemin, Minho and Jinki to the former capital, which he finally felt ready to do, he decides to see it from the outside for the first time. 

Kibum stands in front of it and he’s not okay but he will be. He feels Taemin next to him, Minho on his other side, and sees Jinki smiling at him encouragingly.

And then, he turns around and never looks back.

 


End file.
